2010 in review.

In the beginning, I got out of the hospital with a new appreciation and fear of life.

Accepted my own mortality for myself, but not those I love most.

Began the year as an only child. 

Found out someone I love very much is very ill.   Still hurt for them.

Was reminded of God's grace MANY times.

Watched my Blake grow into a stronger person.  (again, God's grace)  Watched him become more at peace.   This is priceless. 

My Jake went from being a 12yr old 7th grader to a 13yr old 8th grader.
Watched him grow, physically, emotionally... but still have the honor of tucking him into bed at night.  Many hugs for and from that kid.

Received a gift, my camera... important because I discovered another facet to myself.   A love of photography.  And, dare I say... an artistic side.

Was reminded many times how loved I am by my husband... can't count the dozens of roses he brought to my work/home, the small things, the big things he did throughout the year to let me know.    Fell deeper in love with my soul mate.   Poor feller will never be rid of me.

I found family.  My mother's son.  My brother.   He's pretty awesome.

Took a cruise. Saw some things.

We went on trips to Caddo lake in Texas.  I love it there. LOVE it.

I fished.  This makes my soul so very happy.   Only hunted once so far... (hope to remedy that Friday morning)

Saw Ryan get a letter saying he was accepted into nursing clinicals.   To say I was "proud" would be an understatement.

Watched our Relode age.  This is hard.  Love does hurt.

We went down to south LA (several times) and visited the family we love there.  The culture.  The life.   I'm not from there, but I always feel like I'm returning home.  I love my in-laws a ridiculous amount.  

I found more family.   I found my father, but was a month late.    And as sad as it was... I think the family that have opened their arms, minds and hearts to me ARE the reason my journey occurred WHEN and how it did.   I have a 98yr old grandmother.    Who told me she loved me.   And meant it.   I have a sister I text daily and a brother I speak to about weekly and aunts that are kind.   Especially one, she wraps herself into your heart and takes hold.  Blessings... all of them.

Saw my husband's heart break when he lost his Nana.   She was pioneer stock.  Period.   (once one a sexy leg contest and always wanted to marry a carpenter, facts we found out in our past visits to see her...lol... loved those visits)

Watched my Mom struggle.   Her biggest fear is not death, but was always dialysis.  Saw this come to pass.    Also saw her accept and realize this is not the end of the world.   (also heard her cuss for the first time since I was a child... I'll blame the uremia...lol)

And who can forget Bella.   A new baby.   Great spirit.  Too smart for her own good.  Wrapped my husband's heart around her little yellow eyes.   

I discovered I suck at painting.

Had a wonderful holiday season, kept things financially reasonable.  Enjoyed my family.

I stopped working out.  All Year.   But, recently, went to the fitness center and resumed a regime to begin again.  

I took pictures.  lots. 

Ended the year with 2 brothers and a sister, aunts, cousins and a grandmother.    What a difference a year (and the Internet) make!

Overall, 2010 was a better year for me, for us.    2008 and 2009 were brutal with my son's illnesses.   A mother's heart is fragile.   Very.  And I pray God is graceful when it comes to my loved one who is so ill.   And for my Mom.

But I am ready for 2011.   Bring it.

Christmas Past?

The other day I was loading pictures onto my external hard drive.   I'd taken a few of Jake in front of the Christmas tree at the La Boardwalk and went to file them under "Christmas" and create a 2010 file.   I'm looking and it hits me.... 2004... 2005... 2006... 2007... 2008...   Ummmm... What happened to 2009?   

It didn't happen... well not in 2009...  it didn't.   I was in the hospital for a while last year.   And spent Christmas there.   And was sick enough to not care that I was in the hospital for Christmas.     So we "celebrated" on Jan 2nd.   The day after I got out of the hospital. Obviously.. I'm always the one taking the pictures.  And that was not even a thought last year.   My husband cooked and did everything.   So our holiday was low key and simple and I'd never been more grateful to celebrate Christmas with my family. 

This year?    I'm healthy.  The boys are healthy.  I still have my Mom.    My husband is a good man.  God is good.

My mom is struggling and we'll have to have Christmas with her at the nursing home.    I wish I could bring her home, but she's just not stable enough at this point.   She fell last night.  She is on dialysis.  And she's not fully oriented.     I'd give anything to receive one of those quirky phone calls from her.  But, she can't figure out her new phone and it's rather simple.   But Christmas will be Christmas... whether it's at the nursing home... or on January 2nd. 

So, what's my point?  

Be grateful for every moment.  Every Christmas.  Remember.. its about the birth of Christ and spending time with your family.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

Oh yeah... and Christmas 2010?   There will be pictures.

Bella makes us proud parents

A very important part of training a dog for duck hunting.. is obviously.. will it naturally swim or retrieve.    A lot of it has to do with loyalty.  Does the pup loves the owner enough to go into frigid water to retrieve a stick?    More in the dynamics of course.   But I see this hunter and dog relationship as any other relationship...  it is based on trust.

We took Bella and Roxy to Bickham Dickson Park to play.   And see how Bella would respond to the cold water, retreiving, etc,...

By the way..  our Roxy... is a pretty sure there is a squirrel in EVERY tree.

Bella's fist retrieve from in the water.  

Swimming to her Daddy.   SOOOOOO proud of her!!!!   

Time to go kiddos:

I'm not the jealous type, or so I thought

I've always prided myself on not being the jealous type.    Now, don't misunderstand me... nor am I the "sharing" type either.     But, I've made the statement several times about how I'm NOT the green-eyed jealous chic.   I found out just how wrong I was.

A couple years ago, my husband was coming to my work to meet me for lunch.  I was busy and missed his call, twice.   So I called him back.

A woman answered.    I said I must have the wrong number and hung up.   Hmmmm...   I redialed it, watching the numbers closer.  And... a soft spoken woman answers.  "Hello, are you looking for Ron?" 

Now, what took place in my head...is something,  I'd never  experienced.  I mean all out, I'm gonna kick someone's ***, who the **** is this chic answering MY husband's phone, pure jealous rage.   My heart is pounding and I'm ready to scratch some chic's eyes out.

"Umm, yeah I AM looking for Ron."    She responds, coyly,"I'm sorry, he's a little busy right now".       Me,"Oh, is he?"     Her,"Uh,huh".

Every nerve in my system was on fire.

And I hear in the background... laughter.    My husband takes the phone and says,"so, you're not jealous, huh?"

The next words out of my mouth would have made a sailor blush.

The "voice" was my "friend" Paula... and she did a great job of talking sexy and fooling me.   A GREAT job.

So... no more do I claim to not be "jealous".   Because, if you answer my husband's phone and you are NOT my friend Paula playing a joke...  This will not go your way.   At all.   I do after all.. have green eyes.

Sunny Side UP!!!

My husband is a great son-in-law, and I do mean a GREAT son-in-law.

Well... about 6 years ago... Mom when she was adjusting to the the nursing home,  some evenings I'd go pick her up to stay the night with us.   She prefers her own bed now and won't come for a night.   Now, Mom will straight up tell me when she wants to go "home".    At the time, she was adjusting to a different life and had just had her third stroke... and was also adjusting to medications, her diet, etc,.. being managed.   She went through a period that she preferred to wear diapers just to "be safe".   

On one of her overnight visits, Ron got to see a whole new side to Mom.
   
My version:   I was in a deep sleep and all of a sudden I feel my husband LEAP into the bed.   I'm a really good sleeper... like REALLY good sleeper.   So I returned to my deep REM sleep.

His version: (side note: my husband only sleeps with ALL lights off.   complete darkness)  He wakes to the hall light on and hears the TV in the living room.  As he walks through the house... every light is on in the hallway and living room, the TV is blaring loud.    He sees my Mom standing in the living room with her back to him.  He was about to say,"Audrey, are you OK?"   However, what happened next....lol... stopped him.      It was at this point that Mom bent forward, tossed the tail end of her gown over her back and pulled up her diaper FROM AROUND HER ANKLES!!!  Sunny Side Up, BABY!!!!    My husband.... has never been the same.  Never.    He didn't say a word and DOVE into our bed... leaving all the houselights on.   I'm not sure he slept at all that night.

LOL.. and iffen ya know me, ya know I found this FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!

Just last night there was a scene in a show ("Raising Hope"... hilarious show, reminds me of "My Name is Earl"...classy, like that), and they referenced how grandma's always taking her shirt off in public.   I immediately start laughing... he tells me it's not funny, curled himself into the fetal position and begins rocking himself.   Me, being the loving wife that I am... laughed harder.

Poor feller... the image haunts him.  We finally told Mom about it a couple years ago... and she too had to laugh about it.

The man's a GREAT son-in-law.  I promise you.
Remind me to tell ya'll the story that goes with him reminding me, "Well, I blew out my left *** putting your Mom in the truck on the trip the Kansas City".   I fear I'll be hearing that one when we're 80yrs old rocking on the porch.   LOL

"IF" my new favorite poem

My new most favorite poem.   I mentioned to someone I've known and respected for many years that I could never tell his mood, wether it be happy bored, sad or mad.   That his facial expression always appeared the same.  (which is peaceful)  He recited this poem to me in full and said he repeats it to himself daily.     

Rudyard Kipling's poem is about keeping things into percpective.  Not owning other's words, moods, disdian or actions.   About not letting them own yours.   It's about your internal environment not being effected by your external environment.    The more I've read the poem.  The more I desire to acheive this level of selfness.

Rudyard Kipling

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;

If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!

I'm in love with a married man.

It's true.  I am. 
The good news is... his wife (me) approves.
It took me a few years to learn to accept roses, small gestures, large gestures, all gestures graciously.  
He thinks of me.

But my husband... does all of those things for me that the love songs mention. 
He makes me a better person.

We are as much alike as we are different.
I'm the outgoing, bubbly one.  He's more quiet and dry humored.
We are a balance.  

He is my best friend.   We hunt, fish, talk and hang out. 
When things are wrong or right in my world, he is my first (& only) phone call.

He's a man.  An alpha male.   He lifts heavy things.  I find this hot.

But the man is a romantic. 
He's already planned out our anniversary weekend.
(It will include a beautiful treehouse in the woods, a heart shaped hot tub and next to a lake to fish and near a historic town to photograph)   He knows me.

Am I bragging?  Yep.  Darn Skippy.  
Because, I feel in life... you're lucky if you find this match.  This love.  This kind of connection with another person.   He's my best friend.  

                 So... truth be told.  I am in love with a married man.  Mine.

Mushy post, eh?   I know.  But I this is the only way to do it without shouting from a roof top.  (I'm clumsy, we all know I'd fall off the roof and then said romantic alpha male would have to take me to the ER to tend to my wounds)