I'm not "OK". However, I am stable.

First I must ask... have you lost your mom, your dad? Because this question immediately tells me where we stand in your understanding of me.

If you haven't, you are so very blessed.   However you can't possibly relate to me on any level.    I don't mean this defensive.    It's just you can't know why this is taking me so long.  I can't even know, other than the lady who gave me life and was my mommy.... She is gone.

If you have lost your mother/father I'm so sorry... I never knew this kind of pain before.  And I'm sorry you've ever had to feel it yourself.

I know I'm the happy-go-lucky person... and lately I've been a drag.   I know everyone keeps expecting the "old Jo" to show up.   I'm not dwelling in this.  I  just doesn't feel right yet.   My  heart is where it is.  It hurts.   Possibly deperssed?   Wouldn't you be if you knew you'd never get another Mommy hug?   they really are the best kind.

My goals are to be positive and healthy and move forward.  I'm not angry.  Just sad.     I really feel I'm doing good.  And this whole time I was thinking I wasn't a "cry" kinda girl.     Just takes a bigger hit for some of us I guess. 
I'm feel so judged though. By my lack of "progress".   Someone actually said to me, " Wasn't that a month ago"    Well... yes... she died a month ago.  But I had her 41 years.

So, yes.. I don't smile all the time like normal, yet. I will find my smile.

No, I am not witty and jovial as usual. This too will come.

I am so grateful to my husband who doens't walways know why I began crying but holds me tight each time.  

For now, I just need you to understand, that I will cry when you mention eggplant, Elvis presley and if anyone sings the Irish Lullaby "TooRa Loo Ra LooRa" out of key... I'd hate to know what a baby I'd act like.   She use to sing it (horribly) as she stroked my hair at night.

I promise you this. When you deal with your grief, your loss, I will not judge, read too much into your actions.  I will know why your eyes are red and puffy and you are sleepy.   I'll know you are dealing with it still.  I will not question other's about your "coping"      I will support you. and not ask you "are you sure youre ok " Because you will NOT be ok.  You will be devestated and need your friends to be your friends.

On January 25th, everything changed. I changed,  My mom. She died. I am not ok.  However, I am stable.