I'm having a party!

Ok..  not a REAL party.. cause I don't wanna have to clean my house that thoroughly.    I'm lazy like that.   It's a catalog party.  I know I never sale stuff,...  but this is so cool and reasonably priced.    The monogramming is only $1.50.   If you wanna check it out, go here and click the "SHOP NOW" box:
http://www.mythirtyone.com/shop/eventhome.aspx?eventId=E544813&from=MYEVENTS

   Here's what I've bought:

and these:

They have many patterns and you pic the color for the monogramming, etc,...
That's my "sales pitch".
Hope you're all enjoying your weekend. 
I'm resting.   I'm good at that. Very.

I'm not "OK". However, I am stable.

First I must ask... have you lost your mom, your dad? Because this question immediately tells me where we stand in your understanding of me.

If you haven't, you are so very blessed.   However you can't possibly relate to me on any level.    I don't mean this defensive.    It's just you can't know why this is taking me so long.  I can't even know, other than the lady who gave me life and was my mommy.... She is gone.

If you have lost your mother/father I'm so sorry... I never knew this kind of pain before.  And I'm sorry you've ever had to feel it yourself.

I know I'm the happy-go-lucky person... and lately I've been a drag.   I know everyone keeps expecting the "old Jo" to show up.   I'm not dwelling in this.  I  just doesn't feel right yet.   My  heart is where it is.  It hurts.   Possibly deperssed?   Wouldn't you be if you knew you'd never get another Mommy hug?   they really are the best kind.

My goals are to be positive and healthy and move forward.  I'm not angry.  Just sad.     I really feel I'm doing good.  And this whole time I was thinking I wasn't a "cry" kinda girl.     Just takes a bigger hit for some of us I guess. 
I'm feel so judged though. By my lack of "progress".   Someone actually said to me, " Wasn't that a month ago"    Well... yes... she died a month ago.  But I had her 41 years.

So, yes.. I don't smile all the time like normal, yet. I will find my smile.

No, I am not witty and jovial as usual. This too will come.

I am so grateful to my husband who doens't walways know why I began crying but holds me tight each time.  

For now, I just need you to understand, that I will cry when you mention eggplant, Elvis presley and if anyone sings the Irish Lullaby "TooRa Loo Ra LooRa" out of key... I'd hate to know what a baby I'd act like.   She use to sing it (horribly) as she stroked my hair at night.

I promise you this. When you deal with your grief, your loss, I will not judge, read too much into your actions.  I will know why your eyes are red and puffy and you are sleepy.   I'll know you are dealing with it still.  I will not question other's about your "coping"      I will support you. and not ask you "are you sure youre ok " Because you will NOT be ok.  You will be devestated and need your friends to be your friends.

On January 25th, everything changed. I changed,  My mom. She died. I am not ok.  However, I am stable.

I'm going to make you cryyyyyyyyyy!

Ron and I went to dinner this evening.    In walked a nice looking guy late 20s, his early 20s gf & HIS 3 yr old daughter.   How do I know she was a gf?  How do I know it was HIS child?

After eating, I went to the rest room to wash my hands.    The gf was in there with the little girl.   The little girl was playing peek-a-boo with the bathroom stall door and the young lady had a nervous laugh as she kept saying," Come on MJ... use the bathroom so we can go eat"    (it was obvious she didn't have any authority - actual or perceived- over this little girl)   The little girl was adorable, with curly blond pigtails.   

As I'm washing my hands the young lady decides she's going into the stall.   "You can't come in here!" ....      The daddy gf goes in.   And what I heard next ran chills down my spine.   The little girl said,"I don't like you.  I don't love you. You're NOT my friend. You're NOT my Mommy.  I don't even know WHY you are here!!!"    I heard the gf's gasp....   I was stunned myself.   Cause the child who looked like a toddler just spoke in a clear voice.   And tore down a grown woman.   The Daddy gf stuttered a bit, then said,"MJ, that's not nice...  that is mean"     To which MJ (AKA demon child) responds,"I'm going to make you cryyyyyyyyyy"    The Daddy gf gasped.

I got my arse out of there before lil Drew Barrymore's Firestartin' self began blowing things up with her eyes.

I'm guessing that little girl's words were not her own... they came from tha baby mama.   But the evil tone in which she said those things came from her.   I've never been scurred of a child before.   But if I come across this adorable little thing in an alley... I'm running the other way.  (I bet you 10 dollars she had a knife on her somewhere.)

Honor your mother and your father

        I never called my Mom names.  Or cussed at her?????   I did sass her in my teens some, it was a short lived phase (due to her right palm on my left cheek).   If she called with a request, I handled up on it.    When she needed a "Jo-fix", I went and picked her up.   I'm not bragging on me.  THIS is how we should treat our parents.

        My mom never called me names.  She never degraded me.   She was there when I needed her.  I see so many parent-child relationships struggling...   I'm here to tell you life IS short.   I miss her.   But, I've found.. no one can hurt me like my own child.   Thank goodness neither of them make that a goal of theirs... to hurt me. 

        When someone keeps hurting you, you're left no choice but to shut them out and the relationship down.   It's self preservation.   And if you hurt me, I will cut you out of my life like the brown stuff on a ripe banana.    Gone.    Life is too prescious to waste on toxic relationships.   I won't be held emotionally hostage.   

No, I don't have a personal relationship that I'm referring to.   I'm just observing a lot of kids mistreating and sitting in judgement of their parents.   I'm amazed.    At the disrespect.   Mom just didn't bring me up like that.    It was "yes ma'am, no sir and I'll get it for you".      We've lost that.   Now I sound like an old lady...lol    But it's true... we've lost our way.  

What I wouldn't give to hug my Mom and tell her thank you for teaching me how to treat other human beings...

I'm coping... kind of.

Words can't describe what it's like to get "the call".    I can try though... it's like a two by four shoots through your chest.  Your knees loose all stabilizing power.  You aren't sure how to put on a pair of pants, or a shirt.   Or something as complicated as socks and shoes.   You stop even trying.  You call your 25yr old son.  Because you need him to know right then.  She's gone.  Your mind is in a thousand places.  But, your hope is to get there before she's cold.  Morbid? maybe, but I needed to feel her warmth.   Your husband steps in and guides you to get dressed.   And reminds you tor slow your breathing.   And that he loves you.

Should I have been ready for this call? Yes. Was I? No.

I walk into my mom's room holding my husband's hand and nurse Millie's.  I let go when I see her.  I hear someone wail, "oooooohhhh Mama".  It was me I'm sure.  I fell to my knees beside her bed.  And noticed how beautiful she looked.   No wrinkles, no stress, no frown lines.  Peace.   She was still warm.  

I never understood why people wanted to touch all over their loved one's after they passed, I just accepted it as part of the grieving process.   I'm still not sure WHY.  I just know I needed that.  To touch her face.  To feel her baby fine hair.  To kiss her forehead.  To tell her how much I loved her.   As I touched her and loved on her, I knew this was it.  My last time with her.   She'd requesting no viewing at the memorial service.  So I'd not see her after tonight.  This was it.  My last look at the woman that brought me into the world. Nurtured me. Gave me confidence. A billion hugs and kisses. Protected me like a tigress. A beautiful woman.  All at once it hit me, this whole time I thought this was about me caring for her.  She'd still been caring for me.  Even from the nursing home.

I've discovered something since Mom passed, all our pictures... I'm like a little monkey.. arms and legs all over her...lol  No wonder she liked me so much.. she didn't really get much of a choice..lol

In the time that's followed I've come to realize/discover:
My mom was very loved.
I am very loved.
I have the greatest work family of all time.
I'm stronger than I thought. I'm weaker than I thought. Both.
I hope the day comes soon that I don't cry for at least an hour.
I've learned I'm not the kind to store my emotions until they erupt.
Daily... they come and I let them.   This isn't my usual way of handling things, but then again... this is my mom.  gone.
No one will ever love me like my mom did.   It's not even possible.
There are no words to describe losing your mommy.  None.

I needed her.  I thought she needed me.  But, I think my need was stronger.
My husband is a good man.  Very supportive. Holds me when I need it.

I was her world. She adored me.  Did she know the feeling was mutual?

Our last words were "I love you".  They always were. ALWAYS.  

This is so intimate to blog.  I know.  But, what I've discovered is, I'm not alone.  We have lost and will lose.  Death and taxes... both inevitable.  

Life will never be the same.  I won't dwell in the pain, but I'll never be the same.
She knew where she was going.  She did not fear death.  She feared leaving me.

I realize my stress level has decreased.  Less worry.
Mom being sick was always on my mind.
My husband reminded me... that Mom would want that for me, less worrying.
I feel overwhelming sadness and loss and an unfillable hole in my heart.
But, no "worry". 
Because I know mom is happy, healthy and walking the streets paved with gold.