Should I have been ready for this call? Yes. Was I? No.
I walk into my mom's room holding my husband's hand and nurse Millie's. I let go when I see her. I hear someone wail, "oooooohhhh Mama". It was me I'm sure. I fell to my knees beside her bed. And noticed how beautiful she looked. No wrinkles, no stress, no frown lines. Peace. She was still warm.
I never understood why people wanted to touch all over their loved one's after they passed, I just accepted it as part of the grieving process. I'm still not sure WHY. I just know I needed that. To touch her face. To feel her baby fine hair. To kiss her forehead. To tell her how much I loved her. As I touched her and loved on her, I knew this was it. My last time with her. She'd requesting no viewing at the memorial service. So I'd not see her after tonight. This was it. My last look at the woman that brought me into the world. Nurtured me. Gave me confidence. A billion hugs and kisses. Protected me like a tigress. A beautiful woman. All at once it hit me, this whole time I thought this was about me caring for her. She'd still been caring for me. Even from the nursing home.
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| I've discovered something since Mom passed, all our pictures... I'm like a little monkey.. arms and legs all over her...lol No wonder she liked me so much.. she didn't really get much of a choice..lol |
My mom was very loved.
I am very loved.
I have the greatest work family of all time.
I'm stronger than I thought. I'm weaker than I thought. Both.
I hope the day comes soon that I don't cry for at least an hour.
I've learned I'm not the kind to store my emotions until they erupt.
Daily... they come and I let them. This isn't my usual way of handling things, but then again... this is my mom. gone.
No one will ever love me like my mom did. It's not even possible.
There are no words to describe losing your mommy. None.
I needed her. I thought she needed me. But, I think my need was stronger.
My husband is a good man. Very supportive. Holds me when I need it.
I was her world. She adored me. Did she know the feeling was mutual?
Our last words were "I love you". They always were. ALWAYS.
This is so intimate to blog. I know. But, what I've discovered is, I'm not alone. We have lost and will lose. Death and taxes... both inevitable.
Life will never be the same. I won't dwell in the pain, but I'll never be the same.
She knew where she was going. She did not fear death. She feared leaving me.
I realize my stress level has decreased. Less worry.
Mom being sick was always on my mind.
My husband reminded me... that Mom would want that for me, less worrying.
I feel overwhelming sadness and loss and an unfillable hole in my heart.
But, no "worry".
Because I know mom is happy, healthy and walking the streets paved with gold.
Maybe it's because your my mom, but I can feel what you write. I'm happy for you to have this outlet to express yourself. Just wanted to tell you that (2AM is not a proper time to call). zLove you. Blake.
ReplyDeleteThanks for understanding. It IS my outlet... Sharing it is as well. My other outlet (photography) I've just not been able to pick up my camera. With the snow have missed some great shots, but I just haven't felt it. I love you... And appreciate you understandingythe whole blog thing. I know i'm a nerd. But, Your grandma would have been proud. Of course, this is a woman that carried a poem I wrote in the 6th grade and my CAT (old test system)scores in her wallet. She was a bit proud. LOL.. but I get that.. I have the songs you recorded downloaded to my itunes, on my phone and on a few CDs. If you are free next Tuesday, I'm gonna take Grandma Gladystine some grapes at 4pm. Think about meeting me over there. Love, Mom
ReplyDeleteJo, I can relate to your pain and sorrow. When my dad was told he had about 6 months to live, I knew he had about a week. I will never forget when he looked at me, so frail, so scared and said, "baby girl, I have only 6 months to live", I looked at him in the eyes and said daddy, fight, fight for me, fight for your grandbabies. He had copd, conjested heart failure and a heart of a 90 year old man. I know my dad and I know how tired and sick he was, he was going to give up. Seeing him dad by day, he was dying, right before my eyes. I knew how I must react to all of this, I had to be there for mom and my 2 brothers, I had to be the one to comfort everyone else. I had a plan, a plan that I carried out til the end, on how I would react to the CALL, right down to the burial. My CALL came in at 7am, Thurday Jan 6, 2000, but only it wasn't a call, it was my brothers walking through the door, I just looked at them both and said, no... not today, I need more time, they didn't say a word, only reached for my hand and said lets get to the VA. on the way there, I reminised of our life and how he hung the moon, and the night before when he hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe, dad was telling me BYE, when I was telling him, see ya later. I went to his bedside, he was also still warm, I hugged him, and told him, how much I loved him and from that moment, I had to carry out my plan. I made all arrangements, even made sure the funeral home did what they are suppose to do, made sure the pallbarrars had their place, as if I was a bridezilla, my dad had an awsome military funeral, I was there to comfort everyone and all the time, it was me that needed comforting. I got so tired of hearing, hes in a better place now, whatever? he needs to be here with me... I finally said, what do you know about my dad or me? Weeks later, I broke, my dad was not here, my dad was gone. I think of him everyday Jo, as you will too, and don't listen to the people that tell you, it gets easier, it doesn't, sure the pain does, but the ache in your heart doesn't. My dad was 55, and he dies 2 weeks after he was told, 6 months.
ReplyDeleteLisa Hudson Hale