My halo... I'm ready for my halo

My mom's nurse, Millie, walked into her room yesterday and said," Audrey, is there anything I can get you?"

Mom responded,"My halo... I'm ready for my halo"

This is been a very tough few months with mom.  She has lost even more independence, her health decline, her quality of life deteriate.
Her worse nightmare has never been death, but going on dialysis.   Being bedridden.  My mother is "living" this now.  And she's tired.

I went to her yesterday evening and talked to her.  I asked, "Mom, do you take dialysis for me... or do you take dialysis for you?"    You know her answer.   She told me mostly for me.   I insisted she atleast try dialysis.   I insisted she try.   And she HATES it.  She is angry, depressed, not eating, can't stand, no longer lifts her head.

It was my job to "let her off the hook".  I did that yesterday.  I asked her was she "done fighting"  and she told me she was.   I told her that was OK.  That I understand.  And I do.  Watching her body be sick was hard enough, but watching my mom's spirit be so sick... is not something I can live with.   And she would "fight"  and "not let go" as long as she though I wanted her to.   Because... I am her world.  Always have been.   So, I did the hardest thing a human ever has to do... tell someone they love beyond comprehension that it's OK to "stop trying".    I talked to Mom about Hospice.

I'd already discussed Hospice with her nurse earlier... the nursing home staff had met and were concerned about approaching me with the subject.   Because they know I want her to fight.    And I do.  But, more than that.. I want her to WANT to fight. 

As a nurse, I've seen it so many times.  The family hanging on.. so the patient hangs on.   And all the patient needs, is to be told.. that it's ok to go.   My mother needed that from me.

I'm not a crier.   Just not by nature.  But I honestly feel like my eyes are tennis balls right now from the bawling.  Not a sympathy ploy.  I'm only sharing, what many of you have experienced.    I'm so scared for her.  For me.  No more mom? no hugs?  Not hearing those three words from her?  I can't wrap my mind around it.    I know most are close to their parents.    A part of me is dying.  And it won't come back.  And I wont be the same.   And I'm glad it's her first and not me, I think she'd die of the heart break.

When I was there talking to her yesterday evening...  she began gagging, with nausea... so I called Millie to the room.    She came in, sat on the edge of Mom's bed and said, " Audrey, what's wrong honey?"   Mom answered slowly,"My daughter has problems with her lungs and I worry about her".   You see, that's my mom.    She's laying there, sick... and worried about my asthma.   I let mom know that I am OK.. and  promised to take care of myself so I stay OK.    My mother is an angel already.

There is not a doubt in my mind that my mom will get her halo.